Cheap

A true story by C. Duane Hague

I have been known to go to ridiculous extremes to save a few pennies:

“What on earth are you doing?” My wife asked, tooth brush restricting her pronunciation. We usually shared the bathroom while preparing for bed. No, not the toilet, just the sinks.

“I accidentally squeezed too much toothpaste from the tube, I’m just trying to put some back.”

And then there was the last increase in the price of postage stamps:

“That’s an awful lot of stamps,” The postal clerk commented, as he counted out a number of the new “forever” first class stamps.

“Oh, I’m not going to use them until after the next price increase.”

“Well, to be honest, I may be exaggerating somewhat, but you get the idea. Cheap.

But I really prefer the word: Thrifty.

For all those “thrifty” minded people out there, I have discovered a brand new product that may be of interest. You may have seen it advertised on television recently in the form of frost encrusted unidentifiable frozen food. How all that frost got into those bags, is a mystery to me, but I’m no scientist.

With shopping list in hand, I began perusing the freezer bag products at my local Safeway store, seeking the--of course--cheapest. There, on the shelf at eye-level, was the aforementioned product: Reynolds Handi-Vac Vacuum Freezer Bags. New! Virtually eliminates freezer burn! 14 1 quart bags $3.99. Conveniently located right next to the bags was a hand-held appliance: Handi-Vac Vacuum Sealer $10.99, Includes 3 1 quart bags and batteries.

Since the Handi-Vacs were considerably more expensive than the zip-lock bags I usually purchase and would also require the additional expense of the appliance, I only gave the product a passive examination. I’ll admit that my interest was quirked, but my natural born cheapness won out. On the next shelf down, a big sale sign screamed at me: BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE. My shopping cart proudly boasted two fifty bag boxes of Glad quart size double-lock zipper freezer bags as I approached the checkout line.

I was especially proud of my shopping prowess this day, not only did I cash in on that stupendous freezer bag sale, I also had acquired three huge family packs of hamburger at the unheard of price of ninety-nine cents per pound. I would spend most of the afternoon dividing the hamburger into five ounce paddies sandwiched between squares of waxed paper and packaged four to a bag for freezing. Besides the paddies, I’d also prepare one pound packages for use in pasta and Hamburger Helper.

While I worked at this chore, My mind wandered to that Handi-Vac product. I had finished stocking half a dozen freezer bags with ground beef when an idea hit me. With excitement rising, I started rummaging through kitchen drawers until I produced an old plastic soda straw, slightly worse for the wear, but serviceable.

Returning to the table at which I was packaging hamburger, I inserted the straw into one corner of a freezer bag containing a pound of ground beef, leaving the zipper closed except where the straw entered the bag. Pinching the bag tightly right next to the straw, insuring as much of a seal as possible, I put my mouth over the protruding straw and drew the air from the bag, using about the same force as when I was slurping the dregs from a Burger King dollar menu milkshake. The bag, robbed of most of its air, clung to the brick of meat quite satisfactorily, indicating a near vacuum. Quickly, I withdrew the straw and pinched the bag closed. I could tell that very little air remained.

The next day, I opened the freezer and fished out a rock hard freezer bag of hamburger, one that I’d sucked the air from. Much to my satisfaction, very little frost could be detected inside. It wasn’t as perfect as what had been shown on that television ad, but it was a significant improvement over what I’d consigned to the freezer in the past.

Elated, I proudly displayed the product of my endeavor to my wife.

“Well,” she said, “Being cheap isn’t always a bad thing. I’m sure there’s lots of people on a tight budget that would appreciate knowing about this. For myself, though, I can’t imagine sucking raw meat air through a straw. Yuck!”