TDY
By David Ryan
Pt. 1
It was just another TDY in a series of TDY’s. I had just got off the last one five days ago and they told me not to unpack because I was going again.
My wife and I made passionate love, actually it was a passionate kiss, okay it was a peck on the lips. After which I grabbed my duffle bag and tossed it in the car for the ride McChord AFB.
At the terminal I piled my bag with the rest of them and blew my wife a kiss as she went home to sit by the phone to wait for the call to pick me up.
We all filed in for our briefing: This time we were going to
There was much laughing and joking, most of it was directed towards the new guys who wondered if six pair of underwear were enough. Most of us more experienced travelers knew we weren’t going anywhere and had long ago filled our duffle bags with just the right amount of newspapers to not raise a suspicious eyebrow when they were weighed.
It was quite a shock when an actual airplane pulled up in front of the terminal. And it was a C-5 Galaxy to boot. The largest plane in the Air Force inventory.
“Boy they are making this one look authentic laughed one of my traveling companions.”
“Hey look! They are actually loading our bags.” I joked back.
“Look!” Said yet another “It’s the people from Channel Five News.”
“You can’t get much more real than that.” Another of the experienced travelers joked.
We all enjoyed deceiving the press. They ask silly questions like: “What do you think about Jabooty?”
“I don’t know what’s a Jabooty?”
“I was hoping you could tell us.”
The news people didn’t waste much time with us experienced travelers, they were looking for something newsworthy and we weren’t it. The new guys not realizing we weren’t going anywhere had brought their wives and children to say very emotional and tearful goodbyes.
We were rolling on the floor thinking how silly they were going to feel while they were sitting in their living rooms tonight watching themselves on the news.
Finally it was time to board the plane for the long trip to
I heard the big TF-39’s spooling up then felt the plane jerk as the pilot released the brakes. We were rolling down the runway. The big plane lumbered into the sky and climbed above the clouds. “Yes!” They had spared no expense to make this experience seem real. We flew around in circles for about eight hours before landing again. This was the best TDY I’d ever been on.
Just before getting off the plane they told us to check into billeting. “Great! This experience isn’t over yet.” The TDY just continued to get better.
As we exited the plane I marveled at how the Air Force had been able to move all the C-141’s off the base and replace them with C-5’s. They even changed the sign above the Terminal. “Welcome to Dover AFB.”
A tear of pride dripped onto my cheek. My beloved Air Force after all the TDY’s they had sent me on was making this one seem real.
We checked into billeting and got our rooms for the night. Most of us ordered pizza. The Air Force even took the trouble to change the phone number of the local pizza delivery place to match the one in the fictitious phone book.
Pt. 2
The next day we boarded our C-5 again. This leg of the journey we were going to “
Cool! None of us had ever been to “
We flew around in circles all day again. This time, when we landed at McChord AFB, we were told we were in “
Billeting was full so we had to be bused downtown to get rooms. I started to think the Air Force was going a little too far in giving us a believable experience as we bounced along the cobblestone streets.
After checking into the hotel we set about touring the village the Air Force had taken the trouble to set up for us. We even had to change our American dollars for Spanish pesetas. They made a mistake though when I handed over my $40 and they gave me 40,000 pesetas in return. But I wasn’t going to say anything; I was rich.
Everything in the Air Force’s “Spanish village” was overpriced. It cost me 10,000 pesetas of my newfound wealth just for dinner.
There wasn’t much open in the village after dark, just restaurants and bars. I deduced that’s why we hadn’t landed earlier in the day. Even the Air Force had limits on how much they could recreate, and with only a few stores open they could save on manpower.
We had already eaten, so the next logical place was chosen. One of the TDYers (His name was Al. This was our fourth TDY together and we had become friends on the last three.) and I set off on our new adventure. We found a quaint little bar down by the waterfront, and knowing we were in “
“Quit butchering our language!” she said in perfect English. “Speak English you stupid Americans!”
“How did you know we were Americans?”
“The uniforms you have on with your nametags that say USAF was a big clue,” she retorted.
“Oh, in that case my friend and I would like a beer.”
“That’ll be 10,000 pesetas.”
My fortune was dwindling quickly.
Al bought the second round of beer. After which I was feeling lightheaded and giddy. I looked around the small bar and noticed all the other patrons were of the Spanish persuasion, or at least they were speaking Spanish. I raised my right index finger and circled it over my head. “A round for the house,” I declared wanting to make a good impression on these foreigners.
A quick headcount of the other 12 patrons in the bar and quick mental calculations of how much this was going to cost me made me turn to Al and ask how many pesetas he had left.
“Well, I exchanged $40 for 40,000 pesetas. I spent 10,000 on dinner and another 10,000 for the beer. I have 20,000 left.”
Wow. They made the same mistake with his currency exchange that they made with mine. But, even combining both of our fortunes meant that they were going to be in trouble.
“That’ll be 600 pesetas,” the barmaid said.
“Huh?”
I reasoned that since we were being nice they reduced the rates to the locals’ cost. After that we couldn’t buy another beer. However, our diplomatic efforts at foreign relations had paid great dividends. Now we were having philosophical conversations with our new Spanish friends, though I still don’t know what was said. My Spanish was only good enough to order beer.
Next came the karaoke. The locals seemed to really enjoy this entertainment and had been taking turns all night. Now they were coaxing us to take our turn. Anyone who has ever heard me sing has praised me on my ability to strip the paint right off the walls with my beautiful voice.
Al and I searched the list of songs and finally had to ask the barmaid to translate them for us. There were only two we recognized. Al and I did a duet of “Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree,” much to the amusement of our audience. They were hard learners and Al and I serenaded them with “Take Me Home, Country Roads” for the encore. They didn’t seem so eager to have us sing another song, but they still kept our beer glasses full.
At about 2 a.m. the cops came. I didn’t understand what was said, but it was obvious the place was supposed to be closed. They pulled down the shades and locked the doors. Now we had a private party. The barmaid explained in her drunken stupor, (She had been keeping up with us beer for beer) that she couldn’t sell beer after 2.
“Well, I guess we better leave,” I said getting ready to stand up.
“Sit down!” she commanded. “I said we couldn’t sell beer. I didn’t say anything about giving it away.”
Finally, as the sky was starting to get light, we convinced her that we needed to get some sleep. She unlocked the door and let us out after two more rounds of beer.
Al and I wandered the streets for quite some time before remembering that we had a hotel room. Then we wandered a while longer trying to remember where the hotel was.
Finally, at about 6 a.m., we entered the lobby and I asked the night clerk to give us a wake-up call at 0800. He nodded enthusiastically with a big grin and we went to our room.
At 0900 some idiot was beating on our door. “Hurry up! The bus is waiting!” said the designated first sergeant.
I rolled out of bed and stood up, falling down three times before that feat was accomplished.
“Hey, Al! Get up, the bus is waiting!”
“I love you, Suzy,” he said.
I had no idea who Suzy was. “Come on Al, you’re going to get us in trouble. The bus is waiting.”
“Huh? What happened to Suzy?” he asked.
“She’s on the bus. Let’s go!”
“Uh … Okay … I got time to take a shower first?”
Finally at about 10 a.m., we searched the room for anything we might have forgotten. That’s when I noticed the absence of the telephone. Then we slunk stealthily into the lobby of the hotel.
The first shirt caught us anyway and gave us quite a lecture. Finally, after about 15 minutes he shut up and left our throbbing heads alone. It was another hour before they found everyone else. While they were looking, I glared at the night watchman who I had given directions to give us a wake-up call. I went over to the desk and reflected my feelings to him.
“Sorry senor, no comprehende.”
It was noon before we got back to the terminal.
This is when the Air Force’s plans started falling apart. It seems there was another C-5 being deployed with us and they had spent their night in “
We deduced that they couldn’t send us to “
Sixteen hours later “the other C-5” was fixed. We boarded our C-5 for the final leg of the journey. By now 75 percent of our group was convinced this was a real TDY. Only the most experienced TDYers, of whom I was one, knew better.